He woke up early for the first time in weeks. It was around 8:30 and he felt good. There was milk in the fridge and he had time before work that he wasn’t used to having so he made coffee and watched a little SportsCenter. As he dragged on his cigarette he felt that familiar looseness in his bowels. Uncomfortably he knew there was no toilet paper left and decided to suppress the urge and wait till he got to the office to take a shit. He went over to his computer and checked his email and other various websites that he frequents. After a few minutes browsing the infinite world that is the Web he got another cigarette and sat down to finish his coffee.
He had already watched this episode of SportsCenter last night so he had no real interest in it. He considered showering but decided against it since he’d be home early today and figured he’d just wait.
The urge came back strong after the second cigarette and the subsequent sips of coffee. This time the feeling was so strong he thought he might not be able to make the ride to the office. It was literally right there and ready. He searched the bathroom and the hall closet for anything he could use but he was also out of paper towels and there were no napkins anywhere. The thought of using a washcloth or towel crossed his mind but as a last resort. He also considered jumping in the shower immediately after dropping but that also didn’t appeal to him. It subsided a moment and he, relieved, went back to getting ready to get to the office. It was short-lived. It came back fierce. It was useless, he had to go and he had to go now.
“I don’t care. I’ll figure it out after. I can’t wait. It has to happen Right Now,” he said aloud.
He strode straight to the bathroom, sat down, and as he suspected it was ready to dive and it did. Resigned to the fact that he now had a shitty ass and nothing to clean it with, he picked up the current book he was reading when he used the can and started reading. When he was done shitting he put the book down and thought about what he was going to do. He sat for a while thinking about how he was going to clean up and by now he was no longer early for work.
He surveyed the bathroom. There were a mess of towels strewn across the floor. There were his boxers that he had taken off. He also considered the socks all over the apartment that his dog steals from his closet and chews to pieces. He knew exactly what he could use but tried not to think about it. It was unthinkable. However the thought of wiping his ass with a towel or a slew of socks was not an attractive option. What would he do with them afterwards, put them in his hamper? Throw them out?
He looked to his right and between the sink and where he sat was the wastebasket. In the garbage was a colony of used tissue calling to him. He stared long at what was his most viable option. There was enough, it appeared, to wipe the shit off his ass but the proposition of replacing it with snot was not something he was readily prepared to accept.
He picked up one of the larger pieces and looked at it, checking to see what part of it he could use and how badly he needed to use it.
“I have to. What else am I gonna do.”
He stood up with the piece of garbage in his hand. Since he was a child he had always stood up when he wiped his ass. He couldn’t fathom how other people didn’t. It didn’t make sense to him. How do they get it all if they can’t see what they are doing he always wondered?
He was standing there with the tissue. This was the best option he could bear. Using a snotty tissue was much more civilized, he thought, than having a shitty towel to deal with. However disgusting the idea was to him, he swiped the first piece of garbage up his ass and tossed it quickly into the bowl. He bent down and chose another and repeated the act.
“This is fuckin’ disgusting.”
He continued to use the used tissues until there were none left in the can. He was hardly satisfied with the cleanliness of his ass when he was forced to stop. He wanted to jump in the shower to finish the job but now he was late for work.
“I’ll go to the bathroom as soon as I get to the office and do whatever I gotta do when I get there,” he thought.
He put his boxers back on with a sense of shame and internal disgust.
“I gotta start keeping more than one fucking roll of toilet paper in the house. This is awful. I can’t believe I just did that.”
He finished dressing and headed out to his car and lit a cigarette. The entire ride he shook his head back and forth in disbelief of what he had just experienced. He hadn’t been able to finish his coffee so he stopped at the 7-eleven on his way. As he rose out of the car he could feel his boxers clinging to him in a crusty fashion. All he could do was carry on. What else was he going to do? He made his coffee and grabbed a paper and, of course, toilet paper. He wanted to buy cigarettes but he had no cash and was using his debit card. He had 7 dollars in the bank so cigarettes were out. He had enough for the moment anyway and the drying shit and possible snot on his ass was a more pressing predicament at present.
He finally arrived at work and headed straight to the restroom. He attempted to shit again to make sure but it was no use. He rose to his feet and finished wiping with the fresh toilet paper. It was hardly a relief and he certainly did not feel any cleaner than he did when he began. He could only get his work done as quickly as he could and go home.
His article was flowing smoothly and he was thankful for it. He couldn’t wait to get out of there. Then, a scent wafted to his nose. It was faint and had the smell of dirt and stagnation. It was clearly his ass. He ran the events of his morning through his mind again. Once again he was disgusted by what he had done but at the same time sincerely amused. He couldn’t help laughing at the idea of such an act no less the thought that he had actually done it.
He finished his article and packed up his desk to leave. He got up and discreetly pulled the sticking boxers away from his body. He left and headed home. When he got there he undressed entirely and went into the bathroom to put an end to this awful chain of events. While he showered the water was getting colder and colder no matter how high he turned the HOT knob. After a few minutes he realized the heat and hot water must have been turned off. He hadn’t paid the bill in months.
Whole-heartedly pissed off, he dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist and went into the other room to get dressed. He hadn’t done the laundry in about 10 days and had no clean clothes to put on. He laid down on his bed in his towel. He was on his back with his arms at his sides staring blankly at the ceiling. He tried to relax and eventually did. He drifted off to sleep and slept for a number of hours. He woke to an obnoxious pounding on his front door. When he answered it he saw, standing in front of him, a large woman wearing far too little clothing for her size.